Wearing My Wounds Over My Clothes

Wearing My Wounds
Wearing My Wounds Over My Clothes

Wearing My Wounds Over My Clothes

He said
Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” was my favorite
To build the walls around me
The air I breathed surrounds me
But I felt safest
Lonely and the only way to feel  protected

‘Cos every time
Wearing my wounds over my clothes
Only got me exposed
For others to violate me
And I couldn’t help but let them

At the end of this blog I have a question to ask all of you.

As a life coach. I  came from a challenging soul’s struggles meeting tonight. He is classified as clinically depressed. I heard him carefully. I can’t mention names or actual events to keep the identity and events private. Needless to say, he thinks he is broken. He is not fixable. Actually believing he needs to be fixed.

My own belief and experience (and it can be absolutely wrong belief, but I chose to believe it anyways) has taught me that unknown behaviors and complex lifestyles of people are named by certain professionals dangerous or broken or diseased. When in fact the alignment only requires certain special kind of attention in most of those people.

Mostly, it is about how willingly one is ready and able to communicate with oneself effortlessly. How one person is willing to be easy on oneself by accepting and being proud of oneself. How one can recognize himself or herself without seeking others approvals.

The thoughts I suggested to this person are and I ask you all the same. Answer each question as best as you can. I expect his answers tomorrow at the next session

  1. Can he be proud of the wounds irrespective of who has given those wounds to him?
  2. Can he expect to have relationships with others when he doesn’t even have relationship with himself?
  3. Define what he means by communication?

Toodles all…have a blessed day/night with your self.

Battery Life 45% – SMART LIFE CARE

Sometimes, no matter how much I charge myself reading all these uplifting authors here on WordPress, the poets, and inspirational gurus with the formulas of life or even the psychiatrist so called friends with free and friendly diagnoses of me upon my tireless insistence for the diagnoses, I feel chargeless with battery life and on power saving mode with almost barely visual life screen. Such as on my smart phones and smart devices.

Yes most of us knows this. Nothing works. Except that intolerable mood of feeling nothingness. Draining, exhausting, head spinning , foggy mindset.  No religious rituals, no yoga, no zen, just true selfless existence. And immediately our brains start comparing our nothingness with artificial busy-ness of others as productivity and non-productivity. Getting sucked into more depressive and pointless thoughts.  Do you know why? Because I am going to share my why here:

SELF AWARENESS BY COMPARISON
I want to call it Battery life 45%. This 45% battery life is self awareness of outer world by comparison.

              Why am I not able to do this at all, while others seems
to be able to do it so easily? How many times will I have to try?
How come they did it once and it works? Why can’t I? I am so tired

Yes we all know the feelings.

SELF UNAWARENESS BY DEFAULT
Then is started realizing this nothingness to be more true. This is who we are. We just never are attracted to artificial training and recharging of BATTERY LIFE 45%. I noticed that SELF AWARENESS to be my true self which others may have been able to hide to stay 45% powered in this economics of life.

SO WHAT Do I DO?
So now after realizing I have two awareness, I learned to practice on both the awareness.   My so called void is 55% me. My battery life 45% is induced environment. I am more empowering on myself than others. I want the shift from 55% to 45% and vice versa whenever I want to, without feeling or putting myself down.

I started making small note on my smart phone. And I will check the battery life as my anchor to know how it represents my inner and outer mode. I relate my smart phones battery life as an indicator of my daily and hourly awareness life. When I see battery low on my smart phone I must recharge it to keep it at 100% for both awareness.

MANTRA
My charging plugs (Mantra) for inner 55% of true awareness’s  and Battery Life 45% are:

Be easy and be kind to myself. Embrace Myself however I am charged.
And stay kind to myself.
So when I am about to be involved in a challenging 45% worldly mandatory awareness
I make a timeless note for the day. My daily accomplishment database of
Things to survive on-
Breathing deeper and fuller for 10 minutes in a place I love to be in my mind after every few hours
Eating meals that are pallet happy and sensory happy
Making use of smart phone for reminders of same things via reminders at least 9 times a day
Embracing that whatever I remind myself will become part of my 55% and replace 45% and
Recharge me 100%.
In small tasks, in small intervals
I truly avoid people who don’t value my time
If a doctor says 11:50am appointment they better see me at 11:50am.
Here is why: If they can’t value or respect my time and make me wait, they surely can’t (Inability due to absence of respect for themselves) take care of my health.
This goes for every professional you hire to do the job you can’t do.

SUMMARY
Walk out and away from such battery draining people in your life. Find others.

People are like apps. Some apps use your battery life more than others unnecessarily, or invade privacy, or create phishing viruses. Uninstall them out of your smart life. Pronto!
They make your smart life full of unwanted battery drainage.

Install App Managing device in your head by monitoring yourself. The Remove these Apps by uninstall app in your mind.

Your life is like a smart phone with irreplaceable battery.  When battery dies life dies.
Protect from over drainage and over usage. Prevent from Over heating.

Install useful apps
Uninstall battery draining or burdensome apps
Keep your screen and smart life at 100% Battery life.
Charge your Battery daily.
Keep the Smart Life virus free by protecting it with firewalls.

Peace for me and you all.

 

 

 

Ali It’s So Hard To Be You

It’s not easy
Not for a day
Or an hour
Or a Minute
Or a moment
To be me

But I had to figure
All this out by myself
Alone
Stumbling
Falling,
Creeping
At this age and just bigger

Could have told me, yes you
You the ones who claimed
To have loved me, lovers and friends
Or still claim to love me
Did you not see my blindness
Didn’t you know I had no clue

No its not you whom I blame
But you could have said
You could have warned
Or alerted
Or even scolded
Ali!!!! it’s so hard to be You

You could have loved me
Better
Cared for me to
As you know how to
For yourself
But it’s so hard to be me

I wouldn’t have
Cornered myself
Or stayed aloof
Or hated myself
Unknowingly, asking why?
Then laugh and cry with sorrows encave

Yes I know, It’s not easy
Not for a day
Or an hour
Or a Minute
Or a moment
To be me

Now you tell me
Ali, It’s so hard to be you…
Head shakes and body gestures
I kept wondering why
Why do you let go
Once, just once tell me before you go

Your More than hidden words
Taunting remarks
With Unkind Actions
Neglects and
Ignores
I now understand all those deliberate swords

Ali, It’s so hard to be you!

Inventory of Love

Inventory of my pieces that are left
I find myself missing
Several, I list here from your theft

You didn’t take my love
You took the carefree ways
Of how I could love  – Now I am rough

You didn’t take the trust from me
You took the strength
To trust myself and to be

You didn’t take the loneliness
You took the will to be social
Able to be with others – My faithfulness

You didn’t take my caring nature
You took the purpose away
To care for myself or any other

Such items stolen are irreplaceable
No time can heal no other can mend
You took my abilities
Now I am worthless incapable

My Mind

My mind was beautiful,
I still feel like a child
Scared of Adulthood
I wanna remain innocent
I intended to be blissful

My mind was sharp
Till I became an adult
My innocence challenegd
To be replaced with cunning
And clever accolades of
Stabbing others for my gain
Ignorance and deceit is
Adults harp

My mind was witty and shiny
Laugh, love and be loved
Quick at laughable comebacks
Gaining respect from adults
“He will be some one big. He is so intelligent”
Pointing out at me
Well here I am, broken by adults,
Brainless, a liability, and whiny

My mind, I still feel
the reminiscent of it.
Lost in adulthood
Confused as hell in Whys that
quickly comes back to me  being a reason
Adulthood is no big deal

My mind…
Wont grow up to be an adult
It has no brains left to see
An adult befitting to love
Or cherish life

My mind…
Only sees basics
Breathe, eat, drink
Rest and avoid

My mind…
Does not relate
Does not debate
Wont anticipate
Existence…

 

Deserving

Deserving

These eyes are saying differently
Then what your lips utter
And the gestures of your body
Wants to push me down
In the stinky gutter

This is what your eyes tell me
And yours and all others
Who come close to me
No matter how hard
You want to hide
Its that obvious
Your smile with contradictory
Words and actions
You know I can see

I am not Deserving
I am made to feel this way
Hidden arrows and knives of words

It’s so hard to see,
Have you ever thought
I may not have the
Capability of realizing
Your love or support?

Have you ever considered
Everything I do is because I
Care unconidiotnally

Is it you or me?
I can’t see
Is it me or you?
I don’t have a clue

But all I see is judging
and unforgiving eyes
With fake smiles
I may not be deserving
You aren’t either